By ANITA DRINGHK
Donald Trump has selected a new top advisor just days before his presidency comes to an end. Former crackhead and My Pillow Guy, Mike Lindell, will guide the President of the United States through his final moments as leader of the free world.
Lindell, who has been one of Trump’s most loyal followers, went to a meeting at the White House to accept the position. Many have questioned over the past four years what role the inventor of “the most comfortable pillow you’ll ever own” and believer that Trump was “chosen by God” might play in Trump’s cabinet due to frequent appearances at Trump’s events. When he was offered no role as of last year, it was suggested that during meetings Lindell might just be cutting the president in on a limited-time offer to buy one, get one free pillow for rooms in his Trump Hotel chain. But yesterday it was clear when Lindell walked into the White House that he meant business beyond the bedroom as he marched to the Oval Office with a stack of notes in hand. The lack of briefcase indicated his eagerness to get to work in Washington and share with the president the advice he had scrawled on paper after being offered the powerful position.
Among the unconcealed notes, captured by a Washington Post photographer, was the suggestion of “martial law if necessary.” Trump chose Lindell as his new advisor after he tweeted that the president should “impost martial law” in the seven battleground states that won the election for Joe Biden. While many argued about what “impost” means in crackhead speak, it is clear what “martial law” means. It is also clear why that idea appeals to the “law and orderless” president. On the papers that Lindell carried into the White House were other visible pieces of advice. Among them was the suggestion that the president put the Constitution in a pillowcase and sneak it out of D.C. to sell on the black market and cover future legal expenses. Another idea was to incite a buy one, get one free pillow fight between Capitol Police and antifa people dressed as Trump people on Inauguration Day to take the spotlight off Joe Biden.
This isn’t the first time the president has sought the advice of Lindell, who was chairman of Trump’s Minnesota campaign. In August the My Pillow Guy urged the president to promote oleandrin as a two-day cure for Covid-19. The poisonous extract is developed at Phoenix Biotechnology, Inc., where Lindell is a stakeholder.
When pondering what a new top advisor can accomplish with roughly four days left of the presidency, it is assumed by the three people remaining in Trump’s cabinet that Lindell will draw upon his experience in unsubstantiated, misleading, and blatantly false claims to provide Donald Trump with some memorable statements to leave Americans with as he wraps up his reality show in D.C.
After his stint as advisor to the President of the United States, Lindell will return to Minnesota where he is the clear Republican frontrunner for governor due to a preference for celebrity politicians. There, he will continue to focus on bailing white supremacist murderers like Kyle Rittenhouse out of jail, and blaming Democratic leadership when the stitching doesn’t line up on his pillowcases.