PRESIDENT TRUMP PARDONS FLY

Winner of the 2020 Vice Presidential Debate

By ANITA DRINGHK

He didn’t spend time in prison, but Craig Fly was tried and convicted in the court of public opinion after last fall’s U.S. vice presidential debate.

According to Fly, after innocently landing on Vice President Pence’s head on October 7, 2020 and becoming a distraction for millions of viewers watching the televised debate between Pence and Senator Kamala Harris, life hasn’t been the same. Considerable buzz followed the incident. While becoming a media darling for those on the left, Republicans labeled Fly a nuisance that stole the spotlight from their guy. They speculated that he rode in with the crew that installed the plexiglass dividers to prevent the spread of what they believed was a fake coronavirus. The right was furious that Fly humiliated the vice president. Although Pence was shaking his head frequently at Harris in the way that mansplainers do when talking to those they perceive to be of a weaker sex, Fly was not shaken and continued to sit in Pence’s hair where he distracted America from the debate topics. “I got caught up in the moment,” Fly said. “I had been arguing with my girlfriend, Beyoncé, earlier that day and thought I could pick up some pointers from the vice president on how to talk down to a woman and put her in her place. So I stuck around.” Fly now regrets his actions because he had to go into hiding shortly after the debate when a SWAT team had been sent after him. Pence’s pink eye reportedly was also outraged that Fly stole the spotlight the night of the debate, but she couldn’t be reached for comment.

When asked how he managed to secure a pardon from President Trump, Fly responded, “I have a friend who used to hang out by the bug light in Kellyanne’s office in the West Wing. My friend reached out to me and said that, for a pile of dough, she’d talk to the president about pardoning me.” When asked if he knew why he was successfully pardoned by President Trump, Fly thought a moment while rubbing his hands. “Maybe it’s Trump’s way of getting even with Pence. I heard something about Trump thinking Pence is a p**** instead of a patriot. I don’t know for sure. I’m just happy I’ve been pardoned and can move on.” When asked where his life will take him next, Fly said, “Well, I’m going to stay away from the spotlight. And life is short, so I’ll just take the future one day at a time and embrace my clean slate. Today, I’ve got my eyes on an old KFC bucket in the Oval Office.”

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