BARF BAG SALES PLUMMET

By Anita  Dringhk

As America’s roller coaster ride came to a halt, so did record-setting sales of barf bags. Topsy-turvy, head-spinning methods of governing had become the daily norm in the United States, thus driving up sales. For those who were previously unfamiliar with the lunging, reality-plunging form of traveling through life that’s fueled by gaslighting, it was challenging to keep from hurling. Women who thought about getting assaulted every time they saw Trump also found it difficult to keep their food down. Despite trying to look straight ahead and focus on moving forward, most people who didn’t like the reeling that comes with being abused were unable to stabilize their equilibrium and settle their stomachs during the tumultuous journey over the past four years.

While mass vomiting has now ceased due to President Biden’s calmer, logical style of leading the country, many supporters of decency still throw up a little in their mouths every time a Trump-supporter accuses them of not practicing “unity.” This word that some have recently learned is being flung in response to a request for honest accountability for the deadly insurrection that occurred at the nation’s Capitol. Although “unity”-induced reflux still occurs, it does not necessitate keeping a barf bag handy. It also appears to be a temporary condition as many are finding that the “unity”-induced reflux is giving way to “unity”-induced laughter. Or Americans might be laughing because a four-year-old elephant is no longer sitting on top of them and they can finally get enough oxygen in their lungs to laugh.

Ivonna Pyuch, CEO of “Upchuck Bags” is scrambling to find a new market for the large inventory sitting in warehouses across the country. “Currently, we’re exploring partnering with food shelves to help distribute food to hungry Americans. We’ll toss some cookies and other treats in the bags,” she stated at a press conference held at business headquarters in Belchertown, Massachusetts this morning. “But first, we have to do market research to determine if it’s necessary to go through the effort of removing the existing ‘Upchuck’ label. People are so ridiculously hungry after the cyclone of mismanaging the country the past four years that they might not be bothered by the label.”

Upchuck Bags’ VP of Marketing, Rhea Guurjatate, said she is considering other possibilities. “I’ve been praying to the porcelain god that mass vomiting will return to the country. I think it could happen soon if people who still claim that Trump is the real winner of the 2020 election keep criticizing liberals for not wanting to be united with them. If that happens, we can continue using our inventory for its original purpose.”

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