REPUBLICAN SENATORS SPEAK OUT

The Senate Chamber Resumes Democracy After the Insurrection

By ANITA  DRINGHK

Many Republican Senators are going public with their thoughts about Senator Rand Paul’s refusal to say that the 2020 election wasn’t stolen and the upcoming impeachment trial. In exchange for their statements, this publication has agreed to conceal their identities by using pseudonyms.

When Senator Red Bruise was asked if he thought Rand Paul should clarify his position on election fraud via social media to prevent harm to his reputation, he stated, “I have the greatest respect for Rand and I think his position is clear. He’s mastered the art of being a traitor. I really admire him. With his ability to stoke seditious sentiments, there will probably be no conviction of President Trump, and I will be employed by the American people until I die. As for going on social media, I think Rand should focus on using it to mock people with Tourette’s Syndrome or some other disability. It’s fun to use those platforms in that way and helps lock in the support of MAGA thugs.” Regarding Republicans convicting the former president, Senator Bruise believes, “The American public is gullible if they think there are seventeen of us who have integrity and would risk our careers by doing what is legal and just.”

Senator Makesmyskin Crawley from the great state of Misery wholeheartedly agreed with Senator Bruise. “Sure, the Department of Justice, led by William Barr, said there was no evidence of voter fraud in the 2020 election; but in the Republican Senate, it’s all about advancing our careers and pursuing our ambitions. The good ones will do that at any cost. Senator Bruise and I, we’re the good ones in the Senate. We know for sure that 40% of Americans will support autocracy in the next election and we’re doing all we can to keep that train on the tracks. Senator Paul, he’s just learning how to support autocracy. You have to be patient with him because he’s still recovering from when his neighbor tackled him and put him in the hospital for being bad at mowing his lawn. He’s not clearly completely despicable yet, but as long as large companies keep financing him he’ll get there—give him time. You can be sure he won’t convict President Trump because he doesn’t want to be excluded from our prayer breakfast group. God bless America.”

Although Senator Flimsy S’Morecracker was initially upset when the former president put his life in danger during the insurrection at the Capitol on January 6th, and said “Enough is enough. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris are lawfully elected,” he now says, “the impeachment trial will do great damage to the American people. And let me be clear, when I say it will hurt the American people, I mean it will hurt me because I’ll likely be held accountable in some way if he’s convicted. I also don’t want to be excluded from the fine Christian Senators’ prayer group.” Regarding the matter of Trump being allowed to hold office in the future, Senator S’Morecracker believes he should “if it means I stay popular with Senate seditionists and keep getting those delicious flapjacks at the prayer breakfasts. I like things that are flip-flopped.”

Senator Joe Sorghum said, “Rand will be rewarded for learning our talking points. We’ve been working on him a long time in the Senate and it seems like he’s finally seeing the benefit of using some good talking points. Kentuckians no doubt love him even more and it increased his job security. Now, we just need to get him to say that democratic presidents did bad things first and we should ignore what Trump did. Then I’ll be happy with his performance as a Republican senator wannabe.” Senator Rob Swampson agreed and added, “Democrats are mean for desiring accountability.” Senator Rube Eieio thinks the impeachment trial “is stupid.” Senator Mickey Elliptical thinks that “a president’s fouls should be ignored after the play clock runs out. If I benefit from having the country ignore those illegal moves, then I think we should.”

Senator Dom Rotten launched a unique two-pronged strategy to spin the merits of an impeachment trial and ensure that Jim Crow continues to thrive in America. “I started the rumor that a president can’t be convicted after he’s out of office. I’m real proud of that. All my racist buddies in the Republican Senate are going along with it.” When asked what he thought of Rand Paul’s recent comments about the legitimacy of the 2020 election, Senator Rotten laughed and said, “He needs to work on his delivery if he wants to be one of the good ol’ boys. But he gave it a good effort. I’ll give him that.”

Despite Senator Rotten’s efforts to make the public falsely believe that it’s unconstitutional to convict Trump at this point, the impeachment trial is scheduled to begin in the Senate the week of February 8th. And Republican senators are scheduled to put their own interests ahead of convicting the former president and preserving American democracy—which is scheduled to happen when hell freezes over.

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