Putin Battles the Blues


In the United States, January is the saddest month of the year. But every month might be the saddest in Russia for some time to come because Vladimir is sad. Sources close to Russia’s President Putin say he is downright blue over the loss of his puppet, Donald Trump.

Credited with installing Trump as America’s president in 2016, Putin is reportedly crushed over his inability to keep his favorite plaything in office another four years. Keeping Trump in the presidency forever was actually Putin’s goal, but he was willing to settle for four more MAGA years if he was unable to completely overthrow American democracy.

To cope, Russia’s top autocrat has been taking his feelings of frustration out on Russian citizens who are demonstrating support for poisoned and jailed opposition leader Alexei Navalny. Putin has been inconsolable since his and Trump’s failed “Stop the Steal” coup attempt on the U.S. Capitol on January 6th. Aides say that since the plan to crush Putin’s Russian opponents is already in full swing, he’s now channeling his sadness into creating a hit list of everyone who failed to give him four more years of power in America. Those closest to Putin say he used to laugh out loud daily while he scoured American media for stories about the MAGA cult he created. When seeing the trademark MAGA hat on Russia’s state-run news channel, he would excitedly point at the TV and say, “The red hat—it was my idea!” Staffers are trying to boost Putin’s spirits and restore his laughter by proposing new ways of executing the people on his hit list that are even more fun than using the Novichok nerve agent. Among the deadly suggestions that brought the hint of a grin to Putin’s face involve tickling, banana peels, killer rabbits, or “locking targets in a MAGA chamber where they will be subjected to Trump’s Greatest Lines 2015 – 2021 until their minds explode.”

When asked which of Trump’s talking points are his favorites, a smile spread across Putin’s face. Then a chuckle tumbled out, followed by another one that caused him to laugh so hard that he bent over and fell to the floor rolling with laughter. “Oh, my Donald. I love everything he said, especially the lines I fed him. I guess I’d have to say, the ‘phone call from the head of the Boy Scouts’ and ‘if you go out and buy groceries, you need a picture on a card—you need ID’ are my favorites. I gave those to him at the Hamburg summit and the Helsinki meeting. The dumber he is, the more his base embraces him—it is magical. Donald took the notes from the interpreters to make sure nobody else would be able to use those great lines. We made a good team. And we were just getting started. We were planning on making lots of changes to the U.S. Constitution during his second, third, and fourth terms.” Putin gazed at the snowball fight going on outside his Kremlin window and the dead protesters strewn in Moscow’s streets. “America’s antifa did this.” Putin chuckled. “I gave Donald that line too. Ahh, how I miss the big dummy,” Putin said as he brushed a lone tear from his cheek and turned his attention back to the hit list he was composing.

Dead Russians in Moscow’s Streets

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