By ANITA DRINGHK
During the process of trying to restore well-being to the United States, researchers have found that a new form of arthritis has been emerging. This inflammation is spreading among Republicans who have been clutching their pearls. While pearl clutching is not a new activity for those on the right, it has been occurring at an alarming rate as Republicans have been playing the role of the victim more frequently. Many Republicans in Congress have been severely shocked to discover that opponents are able to fact check their statements by reading their previous social media posts. They are feeling violated; their fingers are sore. This new arthritis variant, Pearl Clutching-21, has mutated from earlier forms as a result of the intensified clutching that has been occurring as Republicans desperately attempt to hang on to Donald Trump’s base.
Pearl Clutching-21 is most prevalent in index fingers, likely a result from the chronic finger-pointing to the left that pearl clutchers also engage in while participating in whataboutism when accountability is demanded of them.
Researchers are exploring whether the new presentation of arthritis might fall under the umbrella of a broader disease that includes multiple symptoms:
- Heartburn triggered by regret from: “teeny tiny words” being taken out of context by the media; the existence of video showing stalking of children who survived school shootings; evidence of liking QAnon theories, racist, anti-Semitic, and incendiary posts about executing fellow lawmakers; posing for photos with AR-15 semi-automatic rifles; and other activities that have been publicly documented
- Drooping eyelids occurring when winking at white supremacists
- Sagging mouth while speaking from both sides of it
- Deep wrinkles caused by cringe muscles that contract when presented with matters involving integrity
- Atrophy of prefrontal cortex where critical thinking occurs
- Dizziness while spinning positions on QAnon conspiracy theories
- Decline in overall brain function when accompanied by cognitive dissonance
- Sore throat while screaming “cancel culture” when called out for believing that Jewish space lasers start forest fires, that 9-11 and school shootings didn’t happen, that Democrats eat babies, and other conspiracy theories
- Hip dislocation during pivoting on political positions in reaction to racist constituents
- Arthritis in knees from giving standing ovations to congressional crackpots
- Backs are not affected by this form of arthritis because those who suffer from the disease don’t have a spine
There is currently no cure for Pearl Clutching-21. But it is believed that excision from Capitol Hill of those who suffer from this troubling malady will help slow the spread.