By ANITA DRINGHK
It turns out that kissing Trump’s ring isn’t a wise idea. Researchers have identified it as the source of seven new variants of the deadly coronavirus that have emerged in the United States. The domestic mutation known as “677” has made its home in Florida.
The new variants that have been given bird names, such as Robin 1, Robin 2, Yellowhammer, Pelican, Bluebird, Quail, and Mockingbird are thought to be more transmissible than the original Covid-19 thanks to Trump’s loyalists. Since last August, researchers have been monitoring the variations. At the time, they detected a unique pattern in the way Covid-19 was spreading in central South Carolina. Genetically unique outbreaks were occurring primarily in the D.C. region until about two weeks after Representatives and Senators returned home for break. South Carolina, along with other regions, experienced outbreaks that were also presenting the unique mutation. This was only happening in select Republican districts. The cause was initially thought to be due the lack of mask wearing among Trumpians who believe it’s “American” to recklessly endanger one’s neighbor. But CDC officials finally confirmed their suspicions after seeing a photo of Kevin McCarthy kissing Trump’s ring during a visit to Mar-a-Lago at the end of January. Then, after closely reviewing Covid samples in the home regions of Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley, Jim Jordan, Rand Paul, Ron Johnson, Marjorie Taylor Greene, and several other Trump loyalists, the mutation was found in those genomic sequences.
It appears that the rate of transmission for the collection of variants, which the CDC now refers to as the “Flock of 677,” is rapidly accelerating as Trump loyalists have seen the writing on the walls of the Capitol. Since the Senate’s failure to hold Trump accountable for the insurrection, the pendulum is swinging and President Biden’s approval rating is at 62%; human decency is starting to make a comeback in America. So complicit legislators are scrambling to meet with King Donald to hatch a plan to save their political careers. Numerous supplicant visits are on the Mar-a-Lago calendar and the CDC is consequently bracing for further spread of the Flock of 677.
An official at the CDC has warned Lindsey Graham to avoid kissing Trump’s ring during his upcoming visit to Mar-a-Lago. Although Trump refuses to submit his ring for lab testing, it is presumed that there are an abundance of yet unidentified Covid mutations deposited in the crevices of the engraved letters D.J.T. on the signet ring. Graham reportedly responded to the CDC’s request for conscientious behavior to avoid spreading Covid with contempt. “That is offensive and absurd,” he said. “I’m a soulless opportunistic snake, and I can’t believe you expect me to care about someone besides myself. I know darn well that the ring has Covid slobber all over it,” he said. “I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell without Donald. If we can spread the Covid variants and kill off enough of the Republicans in our party who have a conscience, we’ve got a decent chance at the party of Trump coming back and me staying in a position of power forever. I will be kissing Donald’s ring when I go to Mar-a-Lago.” Friends closest to Graham are asking the public to cut him some slack when it comes to his relationship with Trump. “It’s probably the closest he’ll come to being married.”