By ANITA DRINGHK
Another celebrity has been added to CPAC’s list of speakers for Sunday. Organizers are counting on him to be a smash. Mr. Potato Head will take the stage right before Donald Trump.
Mr. Potato Head is looking forward to going to the Conservative Political Action Conference in Florida to share the current political scene in America through his eyes. “I think I’ll just relax and have some fun in Orlando while I’m away from the Mrs. I don’t think I’ll even write a speech in advance. It looks like all you have to do to be a speaker at CPAC is talk as loud as Kimberly Guilfoyle. You know, like you’re baked and slept on a MyPillow the night before. I can do that. And you have to put an awkward amount of emphasis on key words. Freedom, Big, Socialists, Cancel Culture, God, Bill of Rights, Right to Bear Arms, the word ‘Ain’t’ because Republicans think it’s cool not to sound the least bit educated, and I’ll say ‘Donald J. Trump’ at least five times to make Republicans feel like they sold their souls for someone smart who has a middle initial. Actually, I might read it just like I said it to you, like a list.”
Not sounding like the typical Kool-Aid drinker, Mr. Potato Head was asked to address his political orientation. “Well, I’ve got some white russet grievance going on, but I can tell you that you’ll never see me hanging out with the Tea Party cult freaks. Thinking about their crazy, threatening behavior makes me boil.”
When Mr. Potato Head was asked why he wants to speak at CPAC if its attendees are brainwashed, “Opportunism” was his response. “I got cut back at Hasbro and need some extra gravy. I’ve got tots to feed. I kind of look like Mike Lindell, so I know they’ll eat me up. Plus, I got an inside scoop from my friend Chip at the SDNY vending machine that Trump will not be available to run in 2024. In fact, it sounds like he’s got a whole lot of hurt ahead of him because evidence is being handed over to other prosecutors as we speak by the SDNY like a variety pack of Halloween candy. There’s something in the tax returns to satisfy everyone. Word has it that the Donald’s cult followers are going to have to melt down that golden calf they’ve been praying to at CPAC to help pay his future legal bills. If things go well for me at CPAC, I’m throwing my red hat in the ring for 2024.”