PUTIN LOVES KITTENS

BY ANITA DRINGHK

President Vladimir Putin is feeling misunderstood. Russia’s favorite autocrat has recently gone public with his frustration over the bad rap he has been getting lately. Sure, the world is aware of his passion for spreading propaganda, his fondness for crushing dissidents, and his love for really big tables, but does the world really know Vladimir Putin? Putin says, “Nyet,” it doesn’t.

In addition to having to deal with the insult of Western and European nations timidly applying sanctions on Russia for visiting neighboring Ukraine, the former KGB officer says he is exasperated that his “Hottest Autocrats” ranking has recently fallen from a sweltering #1 to an unimpressive 6th place—ranking beneath the not-so-hot Kim Jong-un of North Korea and the elderly Salman of Saudi Arabia. Now, Putin wants to officially set the record straight and redeem his reputation.

Putin readily admits that it’s true he likes filtration camps and enjoys overseeing deliberate campaigns to torture, rape, and kill innocent civilians. He also acknowledges that he enjoys turning war theory upside down and dabbling in the psychological game of projecting his own misdeeds on his opponents. But Putin wants the world to know he has a softer side that his critics have been failing to recognize. “I am a good guy,” Putin insists. “Look at how I’ve recently united the non-autocratic world.” While gazing at the sunset outside his window on his part of the tyrannical world, Putin smiled. “I like piña coladas, gettin’ caught in the rain, the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.” In addition, Putin wants everyone to know that he has a fondness for kittens—especially orange ones. He even has a special room in his palace in Novo-Ogaryovo near Moscow where he frequently goes to satisfy his kitten craving. When asked if he also likes the cats that kittens eventually mature into, Putin abruptly stopped the interview. As he left the room, he shouted, “Ukrainians kill kittens when they mature into cats and Russian soldiers are only in Ukraine to rescue cats from the Nazis.”

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