LARGE GUEST LIST FOR TRUMP’S FAREWELL PARTY

Invitations have been sent to the largest audience to ever witness a farewell party.

By ANITA DRINGHK

In a last-ditch effort to raise his job approval rating above 29%, President Donald Trump is throwing himself a farewell party to show the world how popular he is before he settles in Florida, where he plans to continue running the Republican party from the Southern White House.

The 45th president plans to leave Washington the morning of Joe Biden’s inauguration after a 7:30 a.m. gathering at Andrews Air Force Base. According to the one insider left in Trump’s circle, “The plan is to have cameramen be so exhausted by the time cameras are focused on the new leader in the afternoon that their arms will be unable to hold the heavy cameras, causing them to shake, making it look like Biden is shaking like an old, weak man.”

With the exception of Trump’s family, no little people under six feet tall have been invited to attend Trump’s farewell party. Among the largest guests in attendance will be son Barron, who will be front and slightly off center so as to not obstruct the view of his father at the podium. At her husband’s request, Melania will wear Jimmy Choo stilettos to the event. The reverse in Trump’s usual policy to surround himself with little people to make himself look bigger came because, according to that one insider, “He wants the airfield to look full to reporters. People less than six feet tall would leave gaps in the photos and make the president look bad.”

Former FBI director James Comey, who has frequently spoken negatively about Trump after being fired for refusing to pledge his loyalty, received an email invitation to watch Trump roll out a long red carpet across the air base field, where he will march to Kanye West’s arrangement of “Pomp and Circumstantial Evidence” and fire twenty-one guns in a salute himself. Comey was initially puzzled over the invitation, but understood why he was invited when he read that he “may RSVP up to five large guests.” Comey, who is 6’8”, says he will attend because he’s “curious to see if Trump will also do his own choreographed color guard performance at the farewell party. I previously cleared my schedule for the morning when I heard that Trump decided to forego the traditional helicopter ride from the White House to Andrews Air force Base. He planned to drive from the White House to Mar-a-Lago in a 1934 Ford. Actually, Rudy Giuliani was going to drive and Trump was going to ride shotgun. That would have been enjoyable to watch. But I guess Ivanka convinced him that the optics might not be good.”

Peter Dinklage, who is best known for his role as Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones—and is not at least six feet tall—was omitted from President Trump’s guest list. Dinklage said, “It’s a good thing he didn’t invite me because I kind of hate Draconian rule and Trump doesn’t sound like someone who is done fighting. He burned the Capitol city down. He’ll go on pardoning until all of the rich convicts of the world are free. If I were invited, I probably would have a talk with Vice President Pence about how to handle things on the airfield in the last moments of Trump’s season finale because what he does matters more than anything right now. If I get a last-minute invitation, in case it’s Pence’s true destiny to build a better world, I can help him out because I still have access to the Game of Thrones props.”

When the Trump insider was asked what the president will do if too few people attend and there are gaps in the photos of his farewell party, he said, “Then the president will have to draw additional guests on press photos with Sharpies. We’ve got it covered.”