56% OF AMERICANS NEED A BIGGER SWEAR JAR

By ANITA DRINGHK

The results are in. According to an ABC News/Ipsos poll, 56% of Americans now have to find a bigger swear jar.

When asked what size jar he plans to move up to, Bayad Dass said, “Back in 2015 when Donald Trump announced on the escalator that he was running for president and people actually took him seriously, I was sure that the gallon-size pickle jar from Sam’s Club that I had just emptied would be a large enough swear jar for the amount of time that Trump was a thing in America. But here we are, over five years later and people are still supporting Mr. Shitforbrains no matter what he does. My jar officially ran over today when I heard that 44% of Americans don’t think Trump should be convicted for inciting a riot. I said ‘What the fuck?!’ and tossed a penny in, but it bounced off because there’s no room left.”

Dick Head’s swear jar is also overflowing. But his jar is a five-gallon mayo bucket from his son’s graduation party, and it’s filled with the dollars he put in every time he swore about Donald Trump and his supporters over the past five years. “I think there’s enough in there to buy a new boat,” Dick said. “A lot of those bills are tens and twenties that I swapped out for dollar bills because it was getting so full. I think I’ll just donate it to Feeding America and start filling it up again. I originally started my swear bucket as an incentive to not swear, but as a former Republican, I don’t think I’ll stop swearing at the Fuckface von Clownstick or his supporters any time soon. They’re all a bunch of dumbfucks that have left me without a party to call my own.” Dick reflexively reached for his wallet to pay the penalty for being a decent person living in a disturbingly Trumpian world.

When asked what she planned to do with the dollars that topped off her bulk cumin container, Sunuvahb Itsch replied, “I plan to swear my way through the Shitbag’s impeachment trial and will just throw my dollar bills at the table my jar sits on every time a Republican shitgibbon says Trump had the right to incite an insurrection because of free speech. I’ll throw a ten on the table every time one of them refers to the riots following the murder of George Floyd. After the trial I’ll cash it all in and donate it to helping a caged child reconnect with their parents. Then I’ll start filling again because Trump-supporting assholes aren’t going to suddenly grow a conscience at this point. There’s nothing I can do about it but swear.”

The swear word of choice that has been filling the Faulkners’ old fish tank turned into swear jar over the past five years is, “God dammit.” Bob Faulkner and his wife, who he affectionately calls ‘Mother,’ are in agreement that it is the most heard in their house, but they can’t agree whether ‘God dammit’ counts as one swear word or two. So they’ve been keeping a daily tally of how many times they say it and multiply it by 1.5 dollars at the end of the day. So the Faulkners’ tank is packed with dollars, quarters, some half dollars, and a few Susan B. Anthony coins. Mother Faulkner has placed a bid on eBay for an old cow tank to put in the garage and use as a swear jar. “The 44% who are still defending Trump’s actions are going to make me say ‘God dammit’ for a long time. I saw interviews with Rand Paul and Ron Johnson today. It doesn’t look like my swearing will end anytime soon.”

Sum Yung Fuk has gone digital with their swear jar. “It isn’t safe to be handling physical currency during a pandemic, so I transfer money at the end of each day to an account I named ‘Trump’s an Asshat.’ I was originally going to convert it to bitcoin, but I used what was in the account to buy Game Stop stock last week. I cashed out at $7,932.” When asked what Yung Fuk was going to do with the money they said, “I’m going to find an organization that teaches critical thinking to Americans and give it to them. They might be able to pull the country out of the cognitive fuckcycle it’s in.”

The future of swearing for O. Schitt is unclear. As a devout Catholic, he feels remorseful about his profanity, “but I feel like Jesus is with me on my reaction to Trump and his supporters. According to the Bible, Jesus wasn’t an asshole, you know. So I’m pretty sure he thinks they’re all asswipes for threatening democracy and shitting on the People’s House and stuff.” Schitt started tossing a dime in an old A&W root beer jug last March when the Church of the Immaculate Conception shut down due to the pandemic and he could no longer go to weekly confession. “Doing the swear jar thing is my penance for thinking that Trump and his supporters are fucked up. But like I said, I’m sure Jesus agrees with me on that.” Schitt isn’t sure that the penance of the swear jug is doing much good. “This is the eighth root beer jug I’ve filled in about a year. So, no, it’s not changing how my mouth operates. But Lent is coming. Maybe I’ll try going cold turkey with the swearing and just watch Fox News for 40 days so I can avoid hearing the real news about Trump and his supporters.”