By ANITA DRINGHK
U.S. Congressional Democrats plan to introduce additional misconduct charges today that could lead to a third impeachment of President Donald Trump, several sources familiar with the matter said. While it has been rumored that Democrats are bringing forth additional charges because they are curious to see if Rep. Jim Jordan will rent a suit coat two days in a row, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has confirmed that the actual reason there will be one more impeachment proceeding is because nobody got bingo on their impeachment bingo card during yesterday’s impeachment. Everyone will keep the spaces covered from the second impeachment and will compete for blackout, which involves covering spaces on the entire card. When asked if Pelosi thought that might be a somewhat frivolous reason to further humiliate Donald Trump with what will likely be a third impeachment, she responded, “Karma is a ‘B’.”
Surprisingly, despite the predictable talking points and clown show antics provided by the right during yesterday’s second impeachment of President Trump, nobody yelled bingo. Pelosi speculated that rows, columns, and diagonals weren’t easily covered because the bingo cards her staff had created had minor errors on the 42-square cards because they were still a bit shaken from sitting under her conference room table for two hours on January 6 while Trump’s supporters stormed the Capitol, broke Pelosi’s doors, and stole her podium and gavel.
When asked what high crime or misdemeanor she intends to charge President Trump with, the Speaker said it hadn’t been decided yet. In an apparent expression of appreciation, Wyoming Republican Representative Liz Cheney was chosen to flip a coin and call whether third impeachment charges will be for tweeting “covfefe” or throwing paper towels at a crowd of confused Puerto Ricans after the devastating hurricane in 2017. The coin toss has been delayed due to last minute additional popular impeachment suggestions from Democrats including: staring directly into the sun during a solar eclipse; signing Bibles; drawing on a projected hurricane map with a Sharpie; taking off his mask on the balcony while actively contagious with Covid; and telling people to drink bleach. Pelosi said they may have to put all the suggestions in a hat and have Liz Cheney draw one. “It doesn’t matter what the charge is at this point. To fill my card, I need Republicans to say the word “unity” five more times, “charade” twice more, “witch hunt” eight more times, “we need to heal” six more, and “sad day” nine more times.
After being asked if she was concerned about causing further confusion and embarrassment on social media for Pres. Trump’s supporters—of whom 99% suffer from the misconception that impeachment refers to the removal of a president from office and reveal their confusion literally every time they engage in arguments with liberals—Pelosi responded, “Yes, they will undoubtedly be confused. And I don’t care that they will be after they made the sign calling me Satan that was in the background of NBC’s coverage of the insurrection for a ridiculously long time. I’m not Satan. Although, Henry Louis Gates, Jr. did discover that Satan and I are ninth cousins through my dad’s side when I was on Finding Your Roots. But I tend to credit my mother’s side with my devilish ways.” When Pelosi was asked if the House might try to fit in a fourth impeachment before Joe Biden is inaugurated on January 20th, she said, “If nobody covers their bingo card during the third impeachment, then yes, we’ll have to impeach Trump at least once more before next Wednesday.”