Kevin McCarthy Caught Telling the Truth


Potential scandal erupted in D.C. when leaked audio revealed that Republican House Minority Leader Willing to Do Anything to Become House Majority Leader Again, Kevin McCarthy, is capable of telling the truth.

Republicans across America who embrace the corruption of all aspects of reality have been alarmed over the possibility that they might have to start thinking about concepts like morality and accountability when voting for a politician. Telmie Wuttuthink, a constituent in Kevin McCarthy’s 23rd District in California, has been shaken by hearing the recording of McCarthy saying he would ask former President Trump to resign because he was responsible for helping incite the January 6th insurrection at the Capitol. “I need my politicians to be consistently unethical and to just continue telling me things about their opponents being Satan worshipers who eat babies so that I can continue voting with my irrational emotions instead of using my brain,” Telmie said. “Thinking is hard. If Representative McCarthy is going to keep dabbling in honesty, I think I’ll have to pack up and move to Marjorie Taylor Greene’s district in Georgia. She’s someone I can count on to be a liar through thick and thin. MTG will never ask me to use my brain and think about big words like ‘hypocrisy’ when I sit in church every Sunday.”

A spokesperson for Republicans on the Hill, who wishes to remain anonymous so that he can determine right before midterms whether it would be beneficial for him to publicly have this current opinion, has stated, “I feel for Kevin that someone would dare record him telling the truth. This contradicts the messaging he has worked so hard to deliver to America that he is a Republican who could reliably be counted on to lie his way through every situation.

While many Republican politicians are upset by the concepts of truth and holding the former president accountable if it affects their career prospects, McCarthy seems to have bounced back unscathed from the incident. When asked this morning how he feels about being documented telling the truth, McCarthy responded without missing a beat, “I have never told the truth.” Spoken like a true Republican with his eye on on the Majority Leader prize. Despite initial concerns about exposure to honesty, Washington D.C. will be functioning as normal next week because the truth will not cause anything to change in the Republican party.